Mere Belonging
After a snowy winter, Philly was blessed with warm sunshine this week. I took advantage of the beautiful weather and started my day with a walk to the park. I plugged in my earphones, and watched my dog chase other puppies around the bowl at Clark Park. After a couple of minutes, an energetic little girl ran towards us trying to pet Loulou. A woman, maybe double my age, followed a couple of steps behind her and told me: “This is Hanna, she loves puppies. Thanks for letting her say hi!”.
Seeing how excited and fearless Hanna was, I asked her: “Do you also have a doggie?”. The woman responded, “Sadly, we don’t…. or I guess she doesn’t. I am actually her nanny”. To which I responded, “Wow, I’m sure working in childcare must be really hard in the pandemic”.
I said these words almost without thinking, not really expecting the conversation to continue. But they seemed to spark something in her. Her eyes lit up, she moved a little closer and shared with me how difficult the past year has been for her. She told me about how she struggled with unemployment for a while, how she used that time to expand on her healing work, and how thankful she is to be Hanna’s nanny. Our conversation ended as quickly as it had started. Little Hanna ran towards another dog and her nanny followed her after quickly saying goodbye. In those quick five minutes, we didn’t even exchange names but she was so gracefully vulnerable with me about her recent losses and trauma.
Walking back home, I kept circling back to my conversation with Hanna’s nanny. I was amazed at how little information I needed to know about her to feel connected. I was even more amazed at how little information she needed to know about me to trust me with her story. I also felt hopeful, engaged and energized. I thought back to adrienne maree brown’s question: “Do you understand that your quality of life and your survival are tied to how authentic and generous the connections are between you and the people and place you live with and in?”. I thought I did understand how connected my wellbeing was to my social connections. But I had completely overlooked how important short, temporary, everyday connections are.
If I were reading this, I, too, would be skeptical of my anecdotal evidence. But don’t take my word for it: Walton et al. (2011) show how a minimal social relationship (as simple as two strangers sharing a birthday) increased participants’ motivation and persistence when attempting to solve unsolvable math puzzles. In another study, “Your heart makes my heart move”, Cwir et al. (2011) shows how cues of social connectedness between strangers lead to shared emotions as well as an increase in physiological arousal, heart rate and arterial pressure. Researchers also share ways to bring about high quality connections such as respectful engagement, active constructive responding and gratitude. While these strategies are important anytime, they are especially crucial in the age of COVID-19 when isolation and loneliness have increased significantly.
One of the last things Hanna’s nanny told me was that she worries about the current discussions around “wanting to just go back to normal”. She thought we would be doing ourselves a disservice if we ignored the hardships of the past year rather than learn, grow and change because of them. One way I hope to “not just go back to normal” is by fostering high quality connections, even in short-term interactions.