Disrupting Patterns
As the semester wraps up and New Year resolutions start creeping in, I thought it might be timely to reflect on the fact that I am a lot more insecure than I thought. I always felt confident in who I am. But recently, I started noticing a bitter pattern of thoughts that fill my mind whenever I succeed at something.
Let me walk you through my thought process with an example: Yasmina does well on an assignment. Her immediate thoughts are a collection of the following:
1. Wow, I can’t believe I did well. That’s crazy.
2. I can’t believe I fooled the professor into thinking I know what I’m talking about.
3. I definitely would have failed if my friends hadn’t helped me.
4. I only did well because I got lucky and was familiar with the subject.
5. The professor was just an easy grader.
Why do I only attribute my success to luck? Why do I never attribute it to my hard work or my abilities? If my academic success in a given semester could simply be attributed to luck, then the probability of success would be 0.5⁷=0.78%. This is statistically improbable. And yet, although I know I am being irrational, I often feel as if I am a fraud in my classes, in my clubs, at Penn, at work, almost anywhere really.
I spent a lot of time recently thinking about why I feel this way. One reason is being afraid of failing. If I attribute everything to chance, then I am protecting myself from being disappointed when I fail (spoiler alert: it does not work!). Another reason has to do with being a woman and having spent much of my life having my skills and my decisions being implicitly undermined. The final reason (and the hardest for me to accept) is that despite the confident facade I show, I do hold some deep insecurities that I need to untangle.
In a lot of ways, this has sharpened me. It has pushed me to defy boundaries and challenge myself. But at the same time, it has taken away from the joy of succeeding. It is time I realize that my achievements are the result of my own hard work. I am teaching linear algebra because I am amazing at it and not because I fooled the Math department. I succeeded in my classes because I worked hard and not because the professors were easy graders. I have healthy and loving relationships because I invest energy in maintaining them not just because I got lucky.
Earlier today, I sat at my desk and typed down the derivation for Fick’s second law for my nanoscale engineering final. As the little genies at the tips of my fingers added Greek letter after Greek letter to my proof, my mind was left to wander.
“Wow Yasmina, I cannot believe you finished all the incomprehensible assignments for this class. You could not have done it without having friends help you. Also, you wouldn’t have done well had this class not been virtual.” See the pattern?
Oops, I did it again! This time though, I caught myself and rephrased it. And I plan to do this every time I inadvertently spiral down the imposter syndrome because awareness is the first step to creating change.
PS: This should not undermine the fact that I have been insanely privileged with opportunities and support networks that others with the same drive and abilities did not have access to. I was set up for success because I grew up in a family that valued education and supported me throughout my school years. I was really lucky to receive financial aid to attend Penn and take advantage of all the opportunities it has to offer. I am so grateful to have people around me who encourage me through all my endeavors, remind me of my qualities and help me improve my flaws (and help me with problem sets). And I don’t take these privileges for granted.